They’ll do it as long as you encourage them

Hey! You! I don’t like your boyfriend! Be! Cause! You both share the same jeans!

Ladies, our boyfriends have muffin tops.  This is not a good look.  We encourage this by allowing them to continue to be our boyfriends.  Fellas, we think you look ridiculous.  I’m a woman.  I talk to women ALLL the time.  I have never, in my adult life, heard a woman say, “But what really hooked me was the fact that his jeans looked like stretch pants.”  There’s nothing sexy or compelling.

It’s been scientifically proven that as heterosexual men have a base attraction to women with the traits associated with fertility, heterosexual women are attracted to men with the traits associated with virility.  Guess what’s not among those traits?  Man camel toe. But women, we only have ourselves to blame.  The guys who wear these items, have more likely than not, never been told, “Hey, your outfit is stupid.”

Stop it.  Every time I see a dude who looks like he should be wearing boots over his pants with a woman, I want to get medieval on her ass.  She KNOWS better, yet refuses to do better.  I believe it was Dave Chappelle who said that if a man could get laid living in a cardboard box, he wouldn’t buy a house.  So, giving these men attention makes you part of the problem.

Part of me is thankful that men of this ilk are limiting their sperm count, and by extension, their ability to reproduce, but I need this issue eradicated.  It’s a judgment thing.  Men who suffocated their johnsons are not to be trusted.  Yeah.  I said it.  I’m not joking either.  And no, this isn’t a swipe at masculinity or sexuality.  It’s a swipe at being too stupid to give  your wood some air.  Nothing about that sounds like a good idea.  Then, they sag.  So I have to see your moose knuckles AND your underwear.

I want to harm you.  I want to harm the women who are with you.  I want to make them pay a fine.  I want the women who date you to be suspended from something.  Womanhood should come with a membership card, which allows  you to accrue points and demerits.  If you’re caught with a man wearing offensive outfits, you would be denied access to all the things that the ladies love.  No Sister Circle meetings.  Grey’s Anatomy?  No chance.  Oprah won’t be rocking with you.  Access to Cool James?  Denied. Don’t even THINK about trying to go see the musical production of The Color Purple.  You’ll be told HELLLLLL NO!

I know this seems extreme, but these are extreme times.  No male leggings for 2010.  We got a brother in the White House.  I know we can accomplish this.